Hockey By: Dave Bidini

Explaining hockey to Canadians is like explaining water to a river. 99 plus 66 minus 77 divided by 4 gives you 7 or 9 but never 3. Paul Henderson was born in a sleigh. Cyclone Taylor's mom invented the shoulder pad. Gordie Howe once lifted an opposing player to his feet by embedding two fingers in his nostrils. Bryan Trottier's childhood linemate was his dog. Garnet Bailey was killed by terrorists. Dick Redmond regrets that he never gigged with Boston. Was Pavel Bure Lukachenko's stooge? Opposing fans threw steak knives at the Gumper. Clare Alexander was a milkman. Phil Esposito broke his mother's heart (whenever he scored on Tony). Foster Hewitt's mantra: flow and anticipate. The Rocket coached the Nordiques for one game, then quit. Was Red Kelly the greatest player ever? Synthesizers have no place in hockey. The Ducks is a friendly name. Why must Toronto fans care? Bathgate's curved blade was the first, possibly. Pucks were once made out of chocolate and Christmas was better back then. Trevor Linden made Lorna cry. Gilbert Perreault, and other opposing players you cheered for. Mario on John Casey; the Silver Seven on the Klondike. The Igloo, starring Wally Boyer. Bugsy stopped talking and I never pressed him. Got 'em. Need 'em? Garter belts strapped frilly to an angry man. The Spectrum, where fans were hairy, especially the women. Chiclets. The Flower. The Moustache. Hockey Lives Here. Vladimir Dzurilla was a refrigerator repair man; he wore a white mask made of bones. The Smoke Eaters of Trail. Federov and Salming and the first player from France. Helmeted. Brazen. Cold and colder. My feet used to hurt, but now they do not.